Boil Order For Hanover Park

This interesting news comes a little late, after I finished downing a full glass of water! You think, since we live in the friggin 21st century that you wouldn't find shit, literally, creeping into your water supply http://www.hanoverparkillinois.org/ReferenceDesk/PressReleases.htm#BoilAlert. I mean who has to worry about Alkiada poisoning us, when we seem to do a good job of it our selves. This news tid bit comes a little late, because I think I already tasted the wrath of the mystery ecoli.

Last wendsday I was stricken with the worst case of diarrhea I have had in a long time. Diarrhea and me are no stranger, I get it like 4 or more times a week. Ya I know sounds like a medical problem, because it didn't go away when I quit drinking, but I've had the Hershey squirts on a consistent basis as far back as I can remember. Its just so embarrassing to tell a DR. that you've had this prob and never taken care of it. But then Again here I am explaining this story to the whole world on the internet. Am I getting too personal? Anyways back to the story.

I had to wake up last wendsday around 11AM, only getting about 5 hours of sleep, so I could go over and help my 93 year old grampa, install his storm windows. I felt a little odd when I woke up, but felt that was probably due to the lack of sleep. on my way to my gramps house I stopped and got a big coffee from Dunken Doughnuts. Now I know coffee acts as a diarrhetic, so it was no surprise to me when about 2 hours into helping my gramps I began to hear mysterious gut rumblings. This tends to happen to me a lot, so I know how to surpress them for a while. Unfortunately, I have this thing about taking violent rrhea shits outside of my own bathroom, unless its an absolute emergency. Judging from the cramps I was experiencing, I didn't think it was that bad and I could hold it in until I got home. My Grampa only lives about 40 minutes from my house so it was no big deal to have to hold it. I once held a horrible shit in through 7 periods of highschool and a 40 minute bus ride home. Now that's intense and a rush. One girl at school even commented, and I'll never forget because of how true it was "what's wrong Francis, it looks like you have to take a shit?" I nearly shit myself when she said that, I still get a laugh about it.

As soon as I got into my car to start the journey home, a sharp pain hit me in my side and my intestines made noises like they were boiling. you know the gurgle garrrrr grrrr greeeee glub glub grurrrrrlllap pppp plplp. I immediately thought, I think I should go back inside and relive my self. Besides my grampas friggin 93 years old and starting to go hard of hearing, but I cant be to sure if his nose still works. He also seems like one of those people that if your in the bathroom for longer then 5 minutes they come and knock to see if your ok. Whats up with that? I mean what is someone on the out side going to do if your shitting your brains out? hold your hand? It just makes things uncomfortable for everyone. I know you got the trots and you know, but I hope we don't talk about it kinda thing. Anyways I decided I could still hold it in, and dove away. Its long since been my biggest fear to get pulled over while I was speeding home due to intestinal distress. I mean you have an honest excuse, so I think a cop would let you off. Besides he would know you weren't lieing from sweat dripping down your forehead and saliva dripping from your mouth.

Once I got on 53 it hit me, the point of no return, where you can no longer clench your sphincter shut, and the immeninant release of the watery toxin inside your bowls is upon you. Ahhh I screamed out in my car, it felt like I was being jabbed with a hot poker in the side. I always joke with women that I am the only man that knows what its like to have a period. I've also heard the pain I have described by gunshot victims. My god, I screamed, what is this unhollyness that dwells inside me? I then kept repeating just a few more miles, hang in just a few more miles, as I rocked myself back and forth in my seat.

My salivary glands were now in full production, as drool began to spew forth from my mouth. Sweat was beading off my face and filling the fibers of my underwear, until it had amassed enough perspiration to leak through and dampen the seat of my jeans. As I turned down my street, I flew to my parking space pulling rather haphazardly and diagonal. With no time to waste I made a mad dash to my house. Damn it that idiot father of mine had locked the back door. At this point I could feel my waste just behind the threshold and ready to slip threw at the slites release of my muscles. I now had the arduous task of holding my butt shut wile I fumbled about for the key to open the door. Once inside I made a B line for the bathroom. No time to turn and lock the door, the eruption was upon me.

I now was trying to hold back the release long enough to drop my pants. Before I even sat down the a violent explosion of waste erupted from my nether region. Spewing noxious gas and spatttering against the back of the toilet. Instead of bellowing out a sigh of relief I screamed in agony. My insides felt like they were trying to escape through my anus. My whole lower half was locked in a state of contortion. I began to flail my arms about and bang my feet on the floor in hopes of relieving some of the tention inside me. Ah My god I screamed again and began to bang my fist on the sink that lie next to me. The pain only increased with each wave that followed. I did battle with my intestines for 45 minutes. Finally one last burp from my bottom and it was over. I arose from the bathroom victorious, but badly beaten, I almost felt mortally wounded. I lurched forth to my room in search of a place to lay. I was exhausted and felt weak from taking a shit. It was at this point I began to feel a little nauseas, and contemplated if what I had just experienced was not one of my normal bowel movements, but a sign that something much more sinister was taking place in the depths of my intestines? I was left with a pain in my anus that lasted for the rest of the day. It was this uncomfortable feeling like I had been raped and my intestines were healing.

So what is the point of this description of my bowel movement? Simple. If you go back to the link at the top and read the related press release, you will see they didn't test for the bacteria until the 14th and released the boil order on the 15th. Why would they test the water on the 14th, simple because a bunch of people began to get sick prior to that. My horrid experience and God knows how many other citizens of Hanover Park is to blame on Ecoli bacteria presence in our water supply. I simple dismissed mine while countless others probably sought medical attention. A rash outbreak of simple food poisoning, with no connection would lead to testing the water. I know I drink a lot of water, consuming about ten cups of sleepy time tea at night.

My father commented on this too in his drunken stupor tonight. "My god its horrible people are dieing all over Hanover Park from this.......the horror........the kids and teachers at Springwood(its a middle school) were dropping like flys and shitting their brains out........ They almost had to cancel school.......oh the humanity........" Now repeat that 10 to 15 times. Its hard for me to ascertain what's true and what's not. I know they closed Denneys on Lake St. Down, and my father said they closed the bar, but if that were true he wouldn't have returned home wasted, but then again he is a VIP (they let him stay and drink after they close). I am very surprised that this didn't make the news. I watched CLTV for an hour and no mention and I checked the paper. I know when Aurora had a boil order they were announcing it every 15 minutes on the radio. Hanover Park is only on the news if a woman gets murdered and her unborn baby is cut out of her (true story) or if one of the townhomes in TangleWood (a subdivision) goes up in flames. But you think mass students getting the runs would be news worthie.