Is this what it feals like?

To be a normal person inside? My God how could I let myself go this long with out addressing this issue. Now I know its hard for all of you to believe that I have been suffering from a panic disorder for....oh say the past ten years of my life, but I have. I know a few of you are can't believe that a man crippled with anxiety was able to drive across country in his car for two months, pick up hitch hikers ( I know I left off in my writing where it starts to get good and interesting when I picked up a few hitchhikers) and not turn tail and hide under his bed. Since I have been dealing with this affliction for so long I have figured out ways to get around it or pretend I'm not me, thus a lot of the over dramatizing of situation I create, because to me they are very dramatic. Now people always say "well your just a bit shy!" This couldn't be father from the truth, I am paralyzed by a primeval force that lies in my head and makes me feel like I am under constant threat of attack. I know most of you can't sympathize or even begin to imagine what this feels like, but the smallest thing like showing up late for a class can cause me to have a catastrophic panic attack rendering me frozen in my thoughts and actions. Followed by clammy palms, a pounding heart, shortness of breath, feeling like my bowels are going to spew forth on the floor causing me such embarrassment I will never be able to return again!. Well as it turns out these feelings aren't normal (who would of thought?) and for the first time, thanks to some medication, I stood up in front of a class of 30 or so people at my PRSSA meeting and didn't flinch, didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable or like I was going to die! It was such an amazing experience that perhaps most of you take for granted but to me it felt like I was finely liberated from my self inflicted persecution! When I sat back down, I was like "God damn is this how normal people feel....easy?" It almost made me want to crying (cough-cough pussy). My sense of accomplishment and empowerment are returning along with my focus! I feel reborn like I can function again. Hell I even feel like writing again. For lack of better words I feel great and that happiness is within my grasp! And to think this is only the beginning of my treatment, If things keep feeling like this, well I think I will be capable of great things again, no matter what I choose to do!

Now with great power comes great responsibility. You see I have been living my life in fear of all these things that have created mental constructs of what I can and can't do, can and can't say to avoid the onset of another panic attack or possible situation that could bring on another panic attack. but now that those barriers no longer exist I will no longer be constantly policing my actions. IE it means all my inhibitions are gone, well mostly the bad ones that kept me from talking to girls or making the first move. Does this mean I have to develop new onesin there place? Or will I just be a deuschebag (like the guys I used to make fun of because I was too scared to join there ranks) and not even give a flying fuck! The later one sounds like the path I will most likely take, but then again I am a nice guy so.........
The Swiggsmeister will shine again