A Little Harsh

I think I may have been a little over critical on my father and the actions that took place during his a mugging and car theft. I have been mulling over that days events in my head since it happened. I think I am more upset at the fact that his drinking has caused unwelcome drama into my life. My angxiety has increased ten fold since the event. Its almost as if I am experiencing the feeling of being...What's the word...Violated... that he went through. The events keep replaying in my mind, causing me a lot of distress. I feel stupid, inferior, almost victimized. When nothing happened to me at all. Its just like those stupid things that happened to me when I was a kid, that keep replaying in my head. I keep thinking, and I know this is stupid, like the cops and the perpetrator are all making fun of me and my family, and theirs nothing I can do to shut them up.

After rereading my previous post, I think that's why it has such a angry tone in it. So who cares if my father is a coward? Why should I have lost respect for him over it? I think my answer lies in my own insecurities. I often fantasize (quite frequently) previous to what happened to my dad that I am being shot or attached, and I manage to fight of the assailant and save the day, and bring justice to the world. Ya I got delusions of granjure, among other personality disorders. Still, hes my father and I feel I should babble to look up to him being strong. Stupid TV and movies putting such novel ideas in my head. Instead I'm let down by what I perceive as his weakness'. Strength as it turns out, is a quality I highly admire, and look for it in people all around me. This reminds me of the time I was working with Alex and this old creepy guy was saying crude sexual things to her. I ignored his remarks, but they made Alex cry. I perceived this as a sign of weakness' in Alex and forever changed my opinion of her. This also brings up the question of what strength means to me? I perceive strength as not brutish force, but mental stability. let me explain what I mean by this. Never mind I tried to write it out but it didn't sound right, its one of those things I would have to explain in person. I guess I could boil it down to being a Vulcan. Logical, yet still human......if that makes sense. I'm not saying I hold up to my own standards, but I do a good job of masking my own emotions. This coming from the guy who feels like someone is going to punch me in the back of the head at any moment for no reason what so ever. This probably makes me seem like some kind of superiority complex jerk. Thats far from the truth ( My brother Andrews the one with that problem), althought I look for that quality I don't hold it to a standard that make or breaks a friendship.

Moving off that topic I will talk about why I was so reluctant to help my father out. It wasn't just because he was drunk, I think it stems deeper then that. It goes back to about two years ago, when our house was robbed. All my crap was stolen, mainly my entertainment center DVDs Videogames, and what not. It all added up to over 2K. I was pissed by my fathers lack of willingness to help rectify the situation. Instead of calling the insurance company right away and changing the locks to our door, he decided to go the bar and get drunk. When he came home from the bar, I was like what the Fuck. He was drunk, but still he said, what do I care, it was all your shit that got stolen, not mine. this event coupled with his other drunken tyraids, led me to feel that he deserved what happened to him. I don't believe this, because no one should be made to fear walking around in their own neighbor hood, not even drunken people.

The toll of the attach on my da is more then I expected. He hasn't come out of the basement to go out and drink, he even passed on his big Tuesday night trivia game. Very rare. He really hasn't spoken to me and my mother. Maybe its because I've taken up calling him Mr. Poopie pants. He still hasn't taken a shower. Maybe he's upset with his own victimize. who knows the guy doesn't express any feelings, besides anger, when he's sober. Growing up with him, when he was sober, was like living with a robot. I prefer automaton

If you read my previous blog about his attach, you may have gotten the impression that my father comes off as a racist. This isn't true, at least when he's sober, he's just been the victim of several crimes that involved African Americans. He also grew up in a tough neighborhood where, according to him, he got threatened a lot by black people for being white.

one last thing, heres a new update to what his attacher looked like http://www.davechapelle.com/ He actualy printed up a picture of him and is going to give it to the police scetch artist.