R.E.-Quest Your Money Back or R.E.-Quest An Apocalypse To Wipe This Movie From The Planet

Can you believe the entire time I was watching Resident Evil Apocalypse I was thinking about A clever way I could work R.E. into my blogg title. My brother came up with the second one, in a matter of seconds, that's why he's the genius.

Warning!!!! Spoiler alert, if you haven't seen the new Resident Evil flick than don't read beyond this point. I plan to thoroughly eviscerate this movie, unlike any of the zombie action in this film, which was completely void of any gore!

First let me rate this compared to other movie/videogame crossovers. It falls just slitely above Super Mario Brothers the movie, and just under Mortal combat 2. The action in this movie, as my brother pointed out, is pretty cool, yet could have been completely lifted and put into any other action movie genre. The only reason this comes above Super Mario Brothers is you get to see Milla Jovovich's tits! At least Mario had a more cohesive plot and better acting in it, but boobs win this round. It falls under Mortal combat 2, because well it had worse acting (believe it or not), the characters had no back story (if you haven't played the games your clueless), the characters motives were nonexistent, the fighting scenes were blurred and hard to follow, and the explanations given are even more far fetched then bypassing a tournament for control of the earth realm.

Now to start in on the movie itself. First off, like I mentioned above, if you haven't played the games since their heyday ie Resident Evil 1-3 and Code Veronica, your completely out of luck. Complaint 1, the intro to Jill Valentine is all of 1 second. You see her legs in what appears to be an office listening to a CB, and then the camera pans you see an article hanging on the wall that's says disgraced cop. Now flash to the next scene, and she bust into a police station blowing away zombies. Keep in mind the station is full of cops, and apparently their too stupid to realize the perps their processing are zombies. Great one liner here "I told you, you have to shoot them in the head." No shit is that how you deal with zombies, we were just going to read them their rights and throw them in the lockup over night. This is her intro. Wow! What do I know about the character who is going to help carry the whole movie. Well she's a disgraced cop, knows how to kill zombies, and yah has the perfect video game lifted attire for the job. I haven't played the games in awhile (5 years), but wasn't Jill supposed to be looking for her brother Chris in Racoon City? Or am I just completely blurring the games into one? Doesn't matter because that's what this movie does a good job at. Just looked it up, Jill was from RE 1 and nobody believed her story, that's why she's a disgraced cop, now it all makes sense (Sarcasm implied). Wish I had my internet in the movie theater, then I might have been able to understand where her zombie killing ass was coming from.

This movie lifts every CG scene/theme from all the games with no real explanation's as to why their there. Lets name a few, the church (seems like a good hiding place even though it cant be fortified), A gun shop (take your pick RE 2or 3)the cemetery (RE 3 yah know the one with the giant worms, except zombies rise from their graves at just the right time), a street car, alleys teaming with zombies, the place which is reminiscent to the (I want to say the dinner from RE 3 or whatever) its the place all the STARS cops are hiding out in the movie, the hellipad (name an RE that doesn't have one), and the unsecured lab with things floating in tubes. If your a big fan and know everything about the RE universe and want to see the game put on the big screen, bad acting and all, this is your kinda movie. Hell, this movie even lifts the opening scene from Code Veronica, only its not Claire, its Alice (Jovovich) who shoots the guards gun trick and all, not a tank of gas, to knock them down.

Now on to wasted potential. This movie had promise, but seeing how it was written by that AVP ruining hack of a writer Paul W. S. Anderson, it was all pissed away. First off there's a ten minute scene in the church, which some how 3 lickers have found their way into. How/why are the lickers are here is anyone's guess. I believe they were also seeking shelter from the horde of zombies outside. This scene is a complete waste of time, not to mention you won't see the lickers again. First off you cant even see what's going on. Maybe the director was trying to establish suspense or something like what the games are famous for? What ever it is ,it doesn't work at all. Instead your left with blurry action in the dark, which is more frustrating to watch, then trying to mix together the chemicals to kill plant 41 in RE 1 or use any final boss that includes staying alive long enough to receive a rocket launcher. The church scene also has this weird homage, to what I think must have come from one of the games but can't recall, where a priest has his sister tied up to a chair and is feeding her humans. Here's another one of Jills one liners, "your Sick!" This time wasted in the church could have been better used to give Jill some much needed backstory, but then again were would we find a place to tie in our heroine. Someone needed to come crashing through a stained glass window to save everyone's ass's. The CG of the lickers seemed strange as well. One instance where a giant cross falls on a licker didn't look like it matched up right, like they just took the take and would worry about how to tie in the licker later, but then again its hard to tell when you cant see what's going on.

For a movie that is supposed to be based on video game that allows you to blow a zombies heads off with a shot gun or colt 45, its interesting that they left any zombie killing gore like this out. Huh, it seems the exploding zombie heads were left out of the budget, along with any other method that might require the purchasing of squibbs(exploding blood packs). Not to fear, you will see a lot of zombie necks being twisted in its place. Where the fuck is my zombie killing gore!!! If you haven't read my blog, Greatest Zombie Movie Ever, please read it now, then you'll understand why I'm so upset about this critically missed point. This movie is R, giving you license to go crazy with blood gore and creative zombie killing, monster killing, or human killing of epic proportion. Instead we're left with nothing. No decapitations, no exploding body's or body's torn apart by zombies, nothing. Even the way the Nemesis dies is a cop-out. It seems all the money was wasted on set design (the only redeeming quality of this movie), it sure as hell didn't go into the script or anything else. The majority of the zombie scenes are edited very strangely. Once again their blurry, perhaps so you cant see the actors playing zombies not wearing any makeup, and fast.

The only good character in this movie, is the pimp look'n black dude. He sports the duel gold pistols ala Code Veronica, and serves up the comic relief/only voice of reason. He appears to be the only one in the movie who can properly act as well, unless you count the Nemesis Which is a pretty good actor considering it lacked any facial expression or dialogue besides its garbled "STARS." Talk about a costume that was lacking, where's Stan Winston when you need him?

Especially cheesey and moronic parts that stand out are: when the phone rings and Alice says "we need to keep moving sound might attract something." Why not answer the fucking phone, yah know, to stop it from ringing. As consecutive phones ring as their walking its not until the fourth phone they pass that for no reason she decides to answer it. I guess maybe before she thought it was a tellamarketer, but this one could be important. The scene in the school where Jill hands the reporter a gun, who replies "I don't know how to use a gun." Completely ignoring this fact, Jill decides to split everyone up. Maybe that's an homage to RE Online. The crem dela crem, hand to hand combat with the Nemesis itself. After which Alice and the Nemesis share a romantic moment (seriously), through a series of flashbacks that have been used tiresly throughout the whole movie.

If this Movie had come out, hot on the heels of RE 3 I would have been all for it. Seeing how the RE series is pretty much dead right now, this movie was a complete waste of time. I may have had a different perspective if those games were fresh in my mind, but its been too long. I've lost the nostalgia for the series, and with it the patience for crap based on it. Its kind of interesting that movies are held to such high standards, yet videogames with crap plots are fun and even the cheesy story can be put aside if the game play is good enough. Maybe that's what this movie was missing after all, game play to make up for its shortcomings.