To Drink Or Not to Drink?

I have been sober for over three months now, and what have I gained from it? In my opinion nothing. I had sobered up for a reason, it was causing my mother much aggravation to deal with both my father and me. I also had to take on my greatest challenge in my school career, writing a 10 page research paper. I hate research papers! Drinking had escalated to the point that it controlled my everyday activity's. I had made goals for myself and I couldn't obtain them if I continued to drink. At my peek point in drinking, I weighed 120 lbs and could down a 12 pack in a matter of hours, all to feel the sweet release of my overburdened mind. Forget eating, getting drunk was my number 1 priority.

Now three months after I stopped drinking nothing has changed. Instead of wasting my time drinking at night I surf the net or play NES roms, instead of attending to more important issues. I can't sleep and my mind is constantly racing. I've grown away from the majority of my friends, and have a dead end social life. Nobody's available to talk or hang out at 4am. The goals/plans I had made for myself fell through like a ton of bricks. No thanks to crappy genetics on my feet. Now what? If anything I came away with more self confidence but even that is fading.

Today at work completely sucked, got yelled at, we were busy, stressing me out due to the other bartenders incompetence, when something inside me snapped. I haven't felt this in a long time. It was the overwhelming urge to just get shit faced. I haven't felt that in a while, so it was quite the unwelcome surprise. A lot of you will never understand this all powerful urge, but it must be how a heroine addict feels. It started inside my head as a little idea, until it grew and started controlling all my thoughts and became the number one focus of my mind. The whole time I was at work I was debating in my head if I could have a beer? Will I let myself down if I have one? I can stop drinking again. I've done it before, I'm no longer afraid of the void that is not drinking. It wont hurt to have a few. Will any one else care? Who am I not drinking for anyways? Myself? How long am I going to keep this not drinking thing up for? For ever (use Sand Lot voice for more effective impact)? Nothing worked out how you planned it anyways, might as well start up again. If Im going to start drinking again, today's as good a day as any. I sat in the parking lot after work for 1/2 an hour still debating, yet I was compelled to go buy beer. Its this weird nagging inside that makes you feel all uncomfortable, its absolutely maddening. I tried calling some people I know to see if they would hang out with me or at least talk for a while. No such luck. Its me and my mind, and we don't like eachother much.

As I pulled up to the White Hen I said to myself its midnight, if their not selling beer anymore then God doesn't want me to drink. As I asked the clerk if they were still selling she told me yes, so God must want me to drink. Stupid justification I know but about now I have lost all reasoning over the issue because I am so compelled. As I arrived home I was hoping my mom would be awake to talk to me, once again, no such luck. I then stashed the beer in the back of the fridge, so I wouldn't be tempted by it, thats not working. This brings me to my Dads arival home from the Bar, where he's been for the past 8 hours. He was rambling on about drug dealers and black people were up to no good in our neighborhood. Then he grabbed his samurai sword and told me to get a bat because we needed to take our streets back. Insane ramblings. You think this would have curbed my urge, to the contrary it made it stronger. As of right now 2:45am I'm still contemplating the matter. Should I drink, should I not drink, should I drink, should I not drink, should I drink, should I not drink, should I drink............