On The Eve Of Destiny

Angst surrounds me as I wait to see if I got into school tomorrow. Its like I'm in one of those movies from the 80's that taught me about going to prom.....No not prom that one about the kid trying to get into that college, you know with Phill Hartman and that guy from Revenge of The Nerds. Anyways Its like that but not really. I know I should be in for sure, but who knows with these things. Its time to start heading down that path, but some how I see myself walking it alone. Everything hinges on getting into school now. Before it was like, I applied, if I get in? Then cool! If not? I look for something else to do. But as of late, I have been structuring my plans for the next year or so around getting in and getting an apartment, and moving forward with my life. Also I was going to quit my job once I got the news. So I eagerly anticipate the answer, which would mean a whole life change for me. I'm talking a whole new life! Time to move forward, grow up, and all that good shit. I owe a lot of that to Becky, but I feel her slipping away like sand through my fingers. It saddens me to no end.

I professed my LOVE to her last weekend. We went out to eat at Chili's and she, not instigated by me, brought up the question that is "us." She asked if I would even consider going out with another girl and I said no. She asked if I would be mad if she slept with another guy, and I said "YES!" I don't know why she started asking me these things unprevoked. My only fear was she had another guy lined up. My heart sank and my stomach jumped into my throat. So I came out and told her I was "IN LOVE WITH HER!" I looked in her eyes and could tell my love was one sided or she was hiding it. There was then a large drawn out conversation on how there was no going back if she kissed me and we became physical. The thing I have been pressing with her from the get go is there is no going back with us. We either are or aren't. If we go out become a couple and break up, then that's that. She can keep me at bay for only so long before I get tired of having my heart broken and move on. I am too far in LOVE with her to stand back idle as she dates and fucks other guys. Either way, there is no turning back, only moving forward. Now I am not saying we can't be friends down the road in the future. But that would be a long time from now when I'm three times removed from my citation.

Anyways the night didn't end there, we returned to the fountain in Caroll Steam for another midnight stroll, except this time it wasn't romantic. I don't even remember how it came up or what was said. Some how the sale of Beckys house provoked some unresolved emotions. I had thought the sale of her house would be a good thing and propel her forward. It was her last tie to her X and with him out of the picture I would reach the promised land. Some how this had the opposite effect she began to cry about how "it felt like she was loosing him all over again!" I was astonished and shocked. She then went on to say "how she hadn't accomplished anything in the past year away from him and that it would be like starting all over!" That "everything in her life for the past year had all been for nothing!" I was devastated by what I was hearing. I have been apart of her life for the past 5 moths and that meant nothing? I have been important or I thought I had been in her life and now I was hearing the opposite? Emotions were high and I didn't mention it. Instead I opted to console her which was to no effect. It was like she was looking strait through me, her thoughts were of Ziad only. There was nothing for me to say or do. I wanted to snap her out of it and say "Hello new guy, who loves you here!" I think she made her choice that night and it wasn't me:-(

I was devastated, but I pretended not to be for her. Everything I do is for her. Maybe thats the problem, you can't respect a guy that licks your boots and takes what he can get. So I took her to her car, where she was still stuck in her cascade of emotions. Her thoughts turned inward and I was locked out. Once again she threw up her wall and I smacked into it at 90 mph! I watched her as she climbed into her car where she sat and cried. What was I to do? I couldn't just leave her there crying, so I got out of my car and went over to her, to try to console her once again. To no avail, she mearly left not looking at me again.

For the past week her behavior towards me has shifted. She stopped texting me and has been acting more distant and cold towards me, almost annoyed by me. Our conversations seem more short and terse (is that a word?). I stopped by her work at Office Depot on Thursday to drop off some chili I made. She was sitting in the break room eating some fruit when I stopped by. She barely even looked at me just stared at the TV the whole time I was there. She was supposed to stop by at work and see me, but never came or called to say she wasn't. Maybe its just me and my over active imagination, but I think I get the sutle messages. Even if she's not doing them on purpose, its still a tall tale sign that she grows weary of me. I know she's got shit going on in her own life, which I mentioned, so its probably best not to mention any of this to her, Ill just take the back seet for now and try to focus on myself.

This being on the eve of destiny and tensions are high.