What Am I Supposed To Say

Today I learned that my friend Alok, lost his brother Sam, to brain cancer. Unfortunatley for Alok, this is the second family member he has lost to cancer. Alok's father passed away from throat cancer two years ago.

I don't know what I am supposed to say. I have never lost anyone of importance to cancer. I have never lost a brother. I have no way to relate with the pain he is fealing. Alok stopped by today out of the blue, I mean his brother had just died and he came over to my house. I was totaly surprised. All I could do was stand there and say I was sorry. I was at a loss for words.

Am I supposed to get his mind off his brother? Or, openly talk to him about his brother? I don't want to make him cry, or is he supposed to cry? All I want to do is be a good friend.

Alok told me he was expecting this and that he was still in shock, and couldn't really believe his brother was gone. I made a joke a couple months back, that everything would be ok and that maybe it would be like the end of Return Of The Jedi with Sam and his dad hanging out with Yoda! He got a laugh out of that.

Still I wonder if trying to make light of his pain is appropriate? I know in my case making jokes when shit is tense is my defense mechanism. Should I try to take his mind off him? should I focus in on his brother and the kind of guy he was? I don't know. I just feel like maybe there is something I should or could be doing.

I am a bit honored that Alok chose me to come talk too. He could have gone over to our other friends house's, but he came to mine. He even came by my work later on in the night. Said he had to get away from his family. I don't think their taking well to Sam's choice of a christian burial. Aloks family being Hindu and all. Alok told me his brother's last request was to be buried in his Ramones T-shirt, ripped jeans and combat Boots. He wanted to be Punk Rock to the end.

I can't help but get a little teary eyed when writeing this. All of the sudden extreme sadness came over me. I never thought the words below would have that much power over me.

God Speed Sam Advani June 1 1978 - May 21 2005