I Can't Do This Anymore

As long as the bad news is rolling in lets just toss some more on top the proverbial pile of shit that is my life. Long story short, because I'm tired, I had the talk thats been building inside me with Becky. The one I didn't want to have. The one where I tell Becky how much I love her and how I can't take it anymore. She told me her heart was black and she wasn't capable of loving me back. I know her heart isn't black, but I do know she's guarding herself against getting her heart broke again. Instead she broke mine. I told her I couldn't do this anymore and that I love her, and its driving me crazy. How when I'm around her all I want to do is give her hugs and kisses! It sucked so bad, its got me tore up something bad. The worst part is I'm not used to dealing with my emotions head on. All I want to do is get drunk and I can't. I found myself stuck repeating "the one thing I want to do most, I can't!" I am all over the place. I am so tired its been a long day of emotional shit! I just can't keep up the shurade any longer. I can't mask my emotions any longer. Thats what alcoholics do they hide their real emotions. I need to keep moving forward. I love her so much, but I can't keep dealing with the rejection I feel. I am bound to slip at this pace and just give in to the urge. So I had to. Its time to let go and face the truth, she will never love me, or allow herself to. I can't handle that. I wish I could, but I can't. So I had to, I wish I didn't but I had to. I told her I needed some time away, I don't know how much or for how long. I just need to move on now. I don't want to, it hurts so bad. I just can't keep getting my heart crushed.

The one thing I want to do I can't!

The girl I want to be with, I can't!

The school I want to go to, I can't!

Fucken A!