Singing Deer

In oder for this story to make more sense I have to give a brief rundown of the main character James, who I think I might have mentioned before. Now I don't know how someone who grew up in a rich suburb of Chicago in a middle class home and some how against all odds turned out to be a some sort of southern redneck wannabe? Not that there's anything wrong with that. So I assembled a list of things that I think make him, for lack of a better term, white-trashy. Jeff Foxworhty could have a field day with him.

1. He owns 3 cars 2 of which are in need of serious repair. A 1981 elcamino that doesn't run. Its half truck, half car, and all power! A 1984 Fire Bird, barley runs and needs some new quarter panels and tires. A a big honkin Ford F1 50 with matching cap and bed liner.
2. He owns 2 ATV's and a mini Chopper. The mini chopper, well I have no idea why he bought it, its a small looking motorcycle powered by a lawnmower engine.
3. He owns a Golf Cart? Hes in the process of "pimping it out" by spray painting it neon green? To each there own.
4. His obsession with the rebel flag.
5. He collects licenses plates
6. His taste in music, heavy metal-country
7. his very blue collar job, he was a mechanic, but lost his job (union didn't help him there) after an unfortunate accident where both his wrist were broken.
8. He thinks Oldstyle is a good beer.
9. The absence of furniture in his living room in order to make room for his pool table.
10. His wardrobe consist of pot smoking shirts, beer memorabilia and crushed velvet shirts.
11. He's a White Sox fan.
12. The icing on the cake is, He payed $100 for a fake deer head that sings animatronically to country songs!

I went over to James modest place he and his girlfriend are renting to play a game of pool. No sense in letting that pool table in his living room go to waste. I arrived around 9:PM to find him and his girlfriend, already on the rocks, with strange looks on their faces. The first thing that came to mind was they had done the nasty before my arrival, so I couldn't help but ask "Did you two just get through doing it? James did you (she admitted to this in the past) plug her poop shoot?" Now I find the second remark to be very funny and couldn't help but laugh aloud. Unfortunately Jen, James girlfriend, didn't find any of it funny, and responded with a "NO! He hasn't touched me in two weeks" and promptly left the room. I was like "yeeesh" as I pulled on the collar of my shirt, as if to let out imaginary steam. So my curiosity was sparked and I had to know what was going on in their relationship. James didn't say anything to the matter instead he walked over to his pool table and began racking the balls.

James looked focused as he walked around the table pulling all the balls from there respective pockets where they had come to rest from a previous game. He looked up only to offer me a drink "you want a Coorslight? I just picked up a case."

"James" I responded " you know I don't drink" he then began to laugh and replied with "I never know maybe you decided to start again?" I'm glad he finds that amusing. I then asked "whats the special occasion for the fancy brew?" Which I got a good chuckle from. I then asked if he had any Coke to which he responded to by walking over into the kitchen and opening the fridge. It was mostly empty besides a his fresh case of Coorslight, accompanied by a wide array of condiments and for some odd reason eight different kinds of BBQ sauce. He rooted around a bit moving beers from one side of the fridge to the other until coming across a lone can of coke in the back.

He walked backed with it into the living room handing it to me. By this time I had chance and couldn't help but to notice the giant animatronic deer head hanging on the wall behind him. So I asked him "James what the FUCK is that thing?" He was obviously over delighted that I asked about his new addition to his house. "oh that, its Buck! You'll never believe what it does, it sings 5 country songs, you can plug a CD player into it and it will sing along to your own CD's, and" he then bent down and began rooting through a pile of various objects on the floor coming up with a microphone, "you can sing like karaoke and he'll move his mouth to your words!" He was obviously very proud of his new deer head, that wasn't just a deer head, it sang. I just stood there kind of stunned, and confused like a deer caught in headlights. I mean who in there rite mind (wrong question to ask when dealing with James) would waste good money on a novelty deer head that sings five songs? So I couldn't help but inquire about its price. "James how much did you spend on this thing?"

"Dude, you'll never guess I got it on sale down from $15o! I only paid a $100 for it!" Now James is the cheapest man I know next to me. So he gets all excited when he saves a buck (no pun intended) here and there, but on this thing? He had already begun to reach his arms up to turn the thing on in which it started saying its name and making loud herky jerky motions. I just stood there stupified by this thing, as James stood there in amazement as he watched it do its thing.

After witnessing the deers singing range I told James he was a character and I would have to write about him in my book someday. If you thought something was different about how I approached writing this, I was trying for something bookish? Ill get to whats going on his relationship in the next post, to wet your wistle a bit, it ends like an episode of cops.