Depression Sweeps Francis Land

On the eve of what is to be a journey that could perhaps change my life forever, I am having cold feet. I don't know what is wrong with me today, I can't figure it out? There is a void in my life, a giant hole that I have tried to fill with drugs, booze, and LOVE. For a second there, it was gone, everything was quiet. But was it gone? Or did I just mask this void in me with band aids? Who am I? What am I looking for? Where should I look for it? Am I not who I think I am? Is this trip a just another one of my temporary life fix's? Why am I doing this? Who am I doing it for? Me?

Lost in a downward spiral of self pity. I keep fighting to stay on top. Or am I just telling myself that? Am I really a fighter?

The seed for these demonstrative ideas was planted when I learned of the potential for volunteering for the Red Cross and possibly doing some good for people who need it. I think my life is this big mess when there are people out there that just lost everything, everything they had! Here I sit bitching about my seemingly minuscule problems. I now feel guilty about even going on this trip with the crisis in the south. Should I stay or should I go now?

I feel the need to help others, I have a compassionate side, I also feel an immense need to help MYSELF! They might be minuscule problems, but they're mine, I need to get out of here! I am bursting at the seems. I want to set out in search of what it is I want. What is it that I want? Something to fill that void. How will I know if I found it? What if I travel across the country in search of it and I never do? Should I have not gone in the first place? I think I need to stay the course I set out for ME. Death and destruction would add some insight into my life but I think the tranquility of the northwest would to. Others will help for there own noble causes but theirs aren't mine. My noble cause lies in saving myself from my own self prescribed destruction. It is time..........