Hiatus: Random Self Actualization

So, Ive returned from a month long absence. The pressures of school, work, and mental instability have kept me busy. It seems as if I jump from one project to the next, with very little time in between to do much of anything. Then again, even when I have some down time to write or do whatever, I find myself unmotivated to perform, instead I opt for the mid-afternoon nap. Its kind of nice now, being able to sleep again, without fear of laying in a state of persistent anxiety.

So what have I been up to for the last month or so, well to answer that, all sorts of stuff, mostly school related. But I did manage to make my way out to see my little brother for spring break in Colorado. Ah Colorado, well more specifically Boulder, what a beautiful little city at the base of the mountains. I find myself more easily drawn out west, then driving south for warm weather. I also developed a taste for the worlds best pancakes out in that wonderful little town. The campus there is amazing. CU is what I had always envisioned a proper college campus to look like, and I am quite jealous of my brother for being able to attend there. I was so jealous of the fact, that upon return home, to the dingy, flat, manure smelling hole that is NIU, I became quite depressed. I began to question why I came to this place in the first place? I guess mainly because I knew someone who went here, (and a certain girl who encouraged me) and it would make my transition into school a bit easier.

Now thats all over with and out of the way, I feel a bit stuck here. The classes, although they keep me occupied, aren't much of a challenge, as a matter of fact, they are pretty darn easy (with the exception of Spanish). Then in light of recent registration events, I was informed by the head of the communications department, that "NIU is not a properly run University, our department isn't budgeted enough to offer the amount of classes necessary for all those in our field." This basically means in the communications department those who are excepted majors, some 2000 students, are biding for 60 available slots in any variety of courses they need to fulfill their requirements. It turns out this alone is why they so heavily encourage minors among the Com's majors. Since this is the only university I have attended, I can only assume most university don't operate this way, although I could be mistaken.

I can't say its all that bad. I am very proud of myself over my recent accomplishments, although this mood changes depending on the time of day, and how I feel. I am mostly proud to be a student at a university, something, I had always held to be the highest standards of academia and never thought I would attain, yet managed to learn that my perception was far from the truth. My roommate and I recently had a conversation about how we were both told by our high school guidance counselor that we wouldn't go to college. Huh, yet we both managed to overcome our adversity's and make it here, albeit its no Harvard, but its a start.

Still, being apart of something feels good, and its better then living in an abusive household, playing videogames to the wee hours of the early morning. Plus being here has allowed me to address some long standing, problems in my Psyche which as it turns out, is beyond my immediate control, I too seem to suffer from the genetic anomaly that runs deep in the Chereck/Meyer bloodline, which unfortunately causes an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. Its kind of odd coming to terms with the fact, that I will have to take medication, most likely for the rest of my life, just to feel normal, as a matter of fact, normally it would cause me great distress and anxiety, but now I take something for that. But I suppose its worth it, just to feel normal. I put up a good fight for a long time, coping in the ways that I could but now, hopefully there will be no more fighting, and no more invisible barriers that keep me from the things I want to do.

I carefully and painstakingly set up the bowling pins (my roommate calls me and inspiration) by taking control of my life and putting in the painful effort to attempt to get things right. Each little step adds on top of the next one, until you look back and say, "damn I did that!" Then you look forward and you see the mountain, and want to go back the way you came, but you have to keep climbing forward, we are always moving forward sometimes we just stop and take a little break. I think my transformation from when I first started this blog to know illustrates what I've been saying. Still a difficult journey lies ahead and their is still much to do, but now it doesn't seem so bad, or look like there's such a rush to do "it." Whatever "it" is?