Is this what it feals like?

To be a normal person inside? My God how could I let myself go this long with out addressing this issue. Now I know its hard for all of you to believe that I have been suffering from a panic disorder for....oh say the past ten years of my life, but I have. I know a few of you are can't believe that a man crippled with anxiety was able to drive across country in his car for two months, pick up hitch hikers ( I know I left off in my writing where it starts to get good and interesting when I picked up a few hitchhikers) and not turn tail and hide under his bed. Since I have been dealing with this affliction for so long I have figured out ways to get around it or pretend I'm not me, thus a lot of the over dramatizing of situation I create, because to me they are very dramatic. Now people always say "well your just a bit shy!" This couldn't be father from the truth, I am paralyzed by a primeval force that lies in my head and makes me feel like I am under constant threat of attack. I know most of you can't sympathize or even begin to imagine what this feels like, but the smallest thing like showing up late for a class can cause me to have a catastrophic panic attack rendering me frozen in my thoughts and actions. Followed by clammy palms, a pounding heart, shortness of breath, feeling like my bowels are going to spew forth on the floor causing me such embarrassment I will never be able to return again!. Well as it turns out these feelings aren't normal (who would of thought?) and for the first time, thanks to some medication, I stood up in front of a class of 30 or so people at my PRSSA meeting and didn't flinch, didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable or like I was going to die! It was such an amazing experience that perhaps most of you take for granted but to me it felt like I was finely liberated from my self inflicted persecution! When I sat back down, I was like "God damn is this how normal people feel....easy?" It almost made me want to crying (cough-cough pussy). My sense of accomplishment and empowerment are returning along with my focus! I feel reborn like I can function again. Hell I even feel like writing again. For lack of better words I feel great and that happiness is within my grasp! And to think this is only the beginning of my treatment, If things keep feeling like this, well I think I will be capable of great things again, no matter what I choose to do!

Now with great power comes great responsibility. You see I have been living my life in fear of all these things that have created mental constructs of what I can and can't do, can and can't say to avoid the onset of another panic attack or possible situation that could bring on another panic attack. but now that those barriers no longer exist I will no longer be constantly policing my actions. IE it means all my inhibitions are gone, well mostly the bad ones that kept me from talking to girls or making the first move. Does this mean I have to develop new onesin there place? Or will I just be a deuschebag (like the guys I used to make fun of because I was too scared to join there ranks) and not even give a flying fuck! The later one sounds like the path I will most likely take, but then again I am a nice guy so.........
The Swiggsmeister will shine again

Quake 4

I just sent the Necrom screaming home to his mommy! Quake 4 is complete, and what a bastardization of half life 2 and Halo. The story was short and pointless. Their were some interesting elements that could have been expanded upon but all-in-all, all the good elements were poorly introduced and underutilized. The AI was hardly a challenge either most enemies stand and wait for you to shoot them or they shoot each other on accident (I was playing on normal difficulty). Level detail was nice and up to what you would expect from ID Software but level layout was mundane and claustrophobic, no sense of adventure and strictly on rails shoot em up. I was mostly disappointed with the poorly laid out boss battles that a few well placed rocket blast dispatched them with no problem ( I prefer the more creative way of destroying a monster that towers 3 stories over you and flys around on a giant jet back. Seriously something that big deserves a creative way of dealing with it). Shame too, a lot more could have been done, but still it was fun to kick some Strogg ass for a few hours, I mean, who doesn't like being a space marine? I give it a 6 out of 10 a good weekend renter. I still like it better then F.E.A.R!

my biggest gripe about FPS' in general is they give you A, too many guns to use, which you end up under utilizing or B, they don't give you enough guns or interesting ones to use. I also feel that there isn't enough variation in the enemy's you encounter. Usually you end up fighting wave after wave of the same render. It just gets old. I guess real life has you battling similar enemies but I think when fighting it out in a fictional world of alien-human-android-hybrids you could come up with some more wicked looking enemies, not a homogenized set of enemy soldiers that litterly roll off an assembly line. Better luck next time Locutus because Quake 5 should be on its way some time in the near future!

I think I should start a new blog specifically devoted to my videogame reviews. I'll get on that.....well we shall see.

Prognosis: Positive

Now a lot of people will say I was just experiencing separation anxiety, and was just have a little bit of trouble adjusting to life on my own and going to school. I say those simple issues just magnified the underlining problems I have been avoiding. I finally got fed up enough and decided to deal with them. Any ways it turns out I'm not crazy......maybe just a little, but over the next month I will be going through various changes in my personal life and hopefully If all goes well I will be able to start experiencing life like all you "normal" people do, i.e. being a happy person! Thank you all for your support!

Resolved: Biggie Was a Better Rapper Then Tupac

My first assignment in my argument and debate class was to debate this statement. I had the affirmative which meant I had to defend the fact that Biggie was a better rapper. At first I couldn't believe that a professor would assign such a seemingly ludicrous topic. So I spent all of yesterday plowing through countless sites devoted to Biggie, AKA notorious B.I.G. and Tupoc. Through my research I learned all about the whole East coast West coast wars, and the bad blood between the two greatest rappers of all time. Unfortunately for both, they were both assassinated a few months apart.

So how do you quantify whos a better rapper? Well style, and entourage aside, I took the simple route, (not accounting for poor taste in music) that whomever sold the most albums would undoubtedly hold the title of rapper supreme. Fortunately for my defense It would turn out that Biggie sold the more albums, and was the first artist posthumous to have two singles go platinum. The debate itself went so so. I think I managed to do a pretty good job, but I wasn't on the offensive enough. I should of challenged my opponent when he gave mere opinions why Tupoc was a better rapper. I guess I mostly didn't care to, I haven't been feeling up to putting the extra effort lately, that and standing in front of 20 strangers made me feel as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest! Plus I was talking about a subject I knew nothing about to a class of half black heritage, all of whom look like they crawled out of the ghetto to come to class. It was one of those subconscious things where I kept staring at all the black kids in the class as I spoke hoping to get some incling of approval that I was indeed on the right track and not making a mockery of one of their icons. Maybe I think about these things too much but I think I saw a few heads bobbing in approval.

I'm not to sure when I get to find out my grade, but the few words my professor exchanged with me after the debate lead me to believe I did all right. Now to start on the main event

Resolved: Wire tapping.....

Houston We Have Internet

After about an hour on the phone with tech support my roommate was able to get his wireless router up and running. I suggested we name our router "Stroker and Hoop" but he Decided Neil Dimond was a better idea?