On The Eve Of Destiny

Angst surrounds me as I wait to see if I got into school tomorrow. Its like I'm in one of those movies from the 80's that taught me about going to prom.....No not prom that one about the kid trying to get into that college, you know with Phill Hartman and that guy from Revenge of The Nerds. Anyways Its like that but not really. I know I should be in for sure, but who knows with these things. Its time to start heading down that path, but some how I see myself walking it alone. Everything hinges on getting into school now. Before it was like, I applied, if I get in? Then cool! If not? I look for something else to do. But as of late, I have been structuring my plans for the next year or so around getting in and getting an apartment, and moving forward with my life. Also I was going to quit my job once I got the news. So I eagerly anticipate the answer, which would mean a whole life change for me. I'm talking a whole new life! Time to move forward, grow up, and all that good shit. I owe a lot of that to Becky, but I feel her slipping away like sand through my fingers. It saddens me to no end.

I professed my LOVE to her last weekend. We went out to eat at Chili's and she, not instigated by me, brought up the question that is "us." She asked if I would even consider going out with another girl and I said no. She asked if I would be mad if she slept with another guy, and I said "YES!" I don't know why she started asking me these things unprevoked. My only fear was she had another guy lined up. My heart sank and my stomach jumped into my throat. So I came out and told her I was "IN LOVE WITH HER!" I looked in her eyes and could tell my love was one sided or she was hiding it. There was then a large drawn out conversation on how there was no going back if she kissed me and we became physical. The thing I have been pressing with her from the get go is there is no going back with us. We either are or aren't. If we go out become a couple and break up, then that's that. She can keep me at bay for only so long before I get tired of having my heart broken and move on. I am too far in LOVE with her to stand back idle as she dates and fucks other guys. Either way, there is no turning back, only moving forward. Now I am not saying we can't be friends down the road in the future. But that would be a long time from now when I'm three times removed from my citation.

Anyways the night didn't end there, we returned to the fountain in Caroll Steam for another midnight stroll, except this time it wasn't romantic. I don't even remember how it came up or what was said. Some how the sale of Beckys house provoked some unresolved emotions. I had thought the sale of her house would be a good thing and propel her forward. It was her last tie to her X and with him out of the picture I would reach the promised land. Some how this had the opposite effect she began to cry about how "it felt like she was loosing him all over again!" I was astonished and shocked. She then went on to say "how she hadn't accomplished anything in the past year away from him and that it would be like starting all over!" That "everything in her life for the past year had all been for nothing!" I was devastated by what I was hearing. I have been apart of her life for the past 5 moths and that meant nothing? I have been important or I thought I had been in her life and now I was hearing the opposite? Emotions were high and I didn't mention it. Instead I opted to console her which was to no effect. It was like she was looking strait through me, her thoughts were of Ziad only. There was nothing for me to say or do. I wanted to snap her out of it and say "Hello new guy, who loves you here!" I think she made her choice that night and it wasn't me:-(

I was devastated, but I pretended not to be for her. Everything I do is for her. Maybe thats the problem, you can't respect a guy that licks your boots and takes what he can get. So I took her to her car, where she was still stuck in her cascade of emotions. Her thoughts turned inward and I was locked out. Once again she threw up her wall and I smacked into it at 90 mph! I watched her as she climbed into her car where she sat and cried. What was I to do? I couldn't just leave her there crying, so I got out of my car and went over to her, to try to console her once again. To no avail, she mearly left not looking at me again.

For the past week her behavior towards me has shifted. She stopped texting me and has been acting more distant and cold towards me, almost annoyed by me. Our conversations seem more short and terse (is that a word?). I stopped by her work at Office Depot on Thursday to drop off some chili I made. She was sitting in the break room eating some fruit when I stopped by. She barely even looked at me just stared at the TV the whole time I was there. She was supposed to stop by at work and see me, but never came or called to say she wasn't. Maybe its just me and my over active imagination, but I think I get the sutle messages. Even if she's not doing them on purpose, its still a tall tale sign that she grows weary of me. I know she's got shit going on in her own life, which I mentioned, so its probably best not to mention any of this to her, Ill just take the back seet for now and try to focus on myself.

This being on the eve of destiny and tensions are high.

My New Camera

I have been planning on buying a new digital camera for quite some time now. I swear Becky must be reading my mind, or we are on the same wavelength or something. Any ways I was up all night Sunday looking at digital cameras doing research. I was also comparing prices on different websites. Well I was totally prepared to go out on Monday to the local Best Buy and check out some of the cameras I had narrowed my choices down to. Well as fate would have it, I got a call from Becky in the morning telling me that she had a very nice camera waiting for me. See, its all about who you know, not what you know.

So I headed down to the Office Depot, where she's the manager, to check out the goods. Turns out they had a Kodak EasyShare DX7630 http://www.dcresource.com/reviews/kodak/dx7630-review/index.shtml on clearance for $199.00! Well to be honest it was the floor model. But Becky was quick to inform me that nobody shops at the Office Depot for cameras so it was relatively unused and in great condition.
Becky even one uped the clearance price by giving me an additional %15 off. I got the whole thing for $175.00! I must say this is indeed a nice camera especially for that price.

About A House?

A wise man once told me "Do what ever makes life interesting." He also said "If things get you to crazy you should step away for a while." To tell the truth, it wasn't a wise man that said those words it was my little bro and he makes a very good point. Well those might not have been his exact words but he said something to that effect.

The reason I bring this up is, well, I think I may have reached the point with Becky where I might have to take a break and step away. Not just for my sake, but for her. I have been very optimistic that she might come around and feel the same way I feel about her. I know she has some very strong emotions towards me, but she seems to be fighting them. I don't think she's ready for me. I seem to have compounded her situation. I may be wonderful and all, but I can't make her forget about him and its wrong of me to try. He was a major part of her life and in my ignorance I expected her to be swept away by me and to just let her five years with him go. This was a very wrong expectation and I think my mom says "making expectations only ends in disappointment." Dissapointment, ah how I feel its sting often, yet I never learn.

Time with Becky definitely has made my life interesting. Thanks to her, I have managed to actually take advantage of most of my summer. If I hadn't met her, my summer would most likely have been spent inside playing CS and BF2 for hours on end. I have had some amazing laughs, amazing times and she made me feel the sweet amazing taste of cloud nine. In other words what LOVE, for real, feels like. I had thought I had felt it before with Karen, maybe Heather, a little with Gina, but this time I know for sure I felt it with Becky! She...... is nothing short of AMAZING and the time I spent with her was never a waste! Its odd how a girl can change a mans life. I mean make him want to be a better person and better himself. Maybe not all girls have that effect on men, but this girl, I mean, WOW! I can't explain it but when I am around her all this shit seems so very trivial.

Now we seem to be at a stalemate or more like a crossroads. What ever she decides will set our paths in the same or quite possibly very different directions. At this point this relationship is not moving in any direction other then friendship. Its like, "if you blow chunks in front of her and she bales then it was never meant to be, but if you blow chunks and she stays it will be forever!" Maybe that's not the quote I was looking for.....Waynes World anyone? Its so tough for me because I just want what she wants for her self, and I don't think I'm apart of what she wants. I am so confused and frustrated at the same time. I am here, then there, then here again then I'm over there again, oh how my heart is torn.

Baby Camden

Welcome to the family! Camden responds with a gut renching "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Camden Robert Hernandez

Welcome to the world my little nephew! Yep thats right I'm an uncle, well so are my three brothers. I don't know how to feel about it yet. I'm happy for my sister, but well it means, that the cursed Belmont bloodline continues. Well I guess I should get used to uncle Francis, although I don't think I will be seeing my sister's son much, seeing how she lives in Florida and all. This just gives me another excuse to go down and visit her. Maybe in the winter, its just to hot now.

Well I got a good story to coincide with the little guys birth. While my sister was in labor a thousand miles away my dad was getting drunk. So drunk to the point where he couldn't walk and he thought it best, which isn't very often, that he not drive home. Well, I'm a bit sketchy on the details, but he managed to call home and talk to my mom and tell her he was in the field between the bar and our house and he couldn't make it home. So he decided it best to pass out there.

Now I'm not sure what my motivations were or why I decided to go and fetch my father from the field. Maybe I just wanted to have a story to tell? Maybe I was afraid some one would murder my dad on the day his first grandson was born? I don't know but I thought it noble of me to go. Keep in mind I haven't talked to him since Christmas and am extremely mad at him and his damn disease he cursed me with. It was an awesome night out and I'm sure he would have been OK if I had left him there but still I decided to go out and find him.

Walking down the path along the river I took in the sounds of the extremely warm evening. It was one of those listen to the trickle of the water in the creek as the slight breeze wrestled through the tall grass kind of nights. I slowy made my way along the path looking for anything out of the ordinary. The moon wasn't full but it provided enough glow to light my way. I thought about screaming out his name but figured it wouldn't make a difference if he was passed out.

As I rounded a turn in the path I couldn't help but stumble over my fathers foot. It was an odd experience looking down at him lying helpless on the ground. I thought about how easy it would be to pick up a large rock and end his reign on this planet. Then again I felt sad that his life had now come to this. So I stared on just thinking about him and wondering how long I should leave him? Then I wished I had brought my camera.

Now some how my father has always had a weird sixth sense when it comes to people standing over him. Once, when I was younger, I stood over him for some odd reason as he slept. When he suddenly came too and punched me in my face without hesitation! Once again he came too, but this time he was to drunk to do anything except flop around and yell out "who are you?" I let him wonder for a couple of seconds before asking him "if he makes a habit of passing out in fields?" Then I stuck out my hand to help him to his feet. He was in bad shape and could barely stand so I offered up my shoulder to prop him up.

On the way back to the car he never asked me a question and I never spoke to him. Instead he went on a rant about how passing out in a field was better then passing out in a gutter like his father. Ah grampa Chereck, not much to know about the man other then his love for alcohol and his love of the streets. Like father like son.

Ye Olde Renaissance Fair

After the Meeting, Becky and I headed toward Wisconsin to partake in the Bristol Renaissance Fair. http://www.renfair.com/Bristol/. Now never having been to the Renaissance fair and having herd good things about it from my older brother Chris, I jumped at the opportunity to go when Becky asked me. Now I would have jumped at any opportunity to do what ever she asked but this was actually something I wanted to do.

Saturday was an ungodly hot day. The hottest so far of the summer. So it was a hell of a day for walking around in the sun. Now most people who go to the fair wear their own costumes some good some really crappy, were talking no effort. Most of the time its hard to differentiate between the actors and the everyday folks. But I figured even though I wasn't in costume, well when in Roam........So for the rest of the day I would be referring to Becky as "me lady."

Now its funny that they call it the renaissance fair because its more of fantasy fair. Its hard to tell what exact time your supposed to be in. Its like a cross between medieval times and a D&D game. From Vikings to fairy's, everyone with any mythical setting is there.

Now I was a bit disappointed by the fair itself in that its more like a series of shops and eaterys with a lack of any substance. Theres a few shows to see, but all in all its mostly just a place to rip people off with over priced tacky dragon fantasy type crap. Still it was a neet place to go and spend an afternoon. But then again Becky makes any place a neet place to go and spend an afternoon.

Can Management Get A Clue?

Yesterday morning we had one of our famous pointless meetings. Now I'm no manager, but I think I know a thing or two about treating people. First off I think the poorest way to start off a meeting is to threaten to fire all those that don't show up on time. To enforce her decision my manager Michelle promptly locked all the doors at 9:01. Then we were instore for a 2 hour bitch fest. Now since I have worked at this place forever, Michelle had nothing new to say. Actually it was quite annoying to have to have gotten up at 8AM so I could listen to her bitch about problems that needed to, but haven't been fixed since the last time she bitched about them at our last meeting 2 FUCKEN YEARS AGO! Thats right these problems were nothing new to me. I like how we had a meeting to pass the blame and problems on to the new batch of employees, when the blame should be placed squarely on the management and there ineptness to handle the issues at hand. I am so angry about this. The only way to show my disapproval was to not make eye contact and doodle on my piece of paper in front of her. Oh she got the point and was none to happy.

I am just so fed up with this place. I was almost ready to walk out at the meeting. I am just so sick of all the unnecessary bullshit. Now I have made my plan to leave and I hope it works out. Are you all ready for this? For those that don't already know I applied to go back to school last month. Good ole Northern Illinois University. I applied sent transcripts and filled out my FAFSA. Now hopefully it will all work out in my favor and I'll be in and get my loans and on my way to my future. I am really looking forward to going and I will finally be able to move out of this forsaken house and job!

All Good Things Must Have New Beginings V1.1

I have done some thinking since I wrote this last night. I am acting like a love struck school girl when expecting reactions or trying to predict how things should go. These are both no no's! If Becky doesn't feel the same way about me, well then its out of my hands. I am expecting her to be all lovey dovie towards me the way I am toward her. Well this is an unfair expectation and it is unfair for me to be mad at her for not acting a certain way if she doesn't feel that way. I can't force her to nor should I want to. I shall continue to enjoy her company as always. My little bro gave me some good advice on the matter and I've taken that to heart. My only fear now is that I have been overly aggressive with my pursuits and am smothering her, something I never intended to do. I am also have a bad habit of over examining things. There could be hundreds of reasons for what "I perceive to be her standoffish behavior." The reason for the quotes is my perspective on reality is skewed do to my strong emotions towards her. For all I know she thinks everything is cool. In any event I am trying to relax and just enjoy the ride. She is an amazing person I wish you all could see her through my eyes. I should change the title from "all good things come to an end," because this isn't an ending if anything its a new begining, a way to be more creative. I'm sure good times will still roll in just not how I expect them to nor should I try to undermine my time spent with her because its quality no mater what I would like it to be.

It seems as tho the past two magical days for me were a mere dream. I thought it was all coming together nicely.

last night Becky and I spent a divine evening back at the fountain in Carol Stream. We held hands and strolled through the park chatting and laughing as usual. I felt so euphoric and at peace with her. We came to rest at under the gazebo where she told me before that she couldn't be with me, except this time it was far from both our minds. She sang me a song with her angelic voice and I held her in my arms. Any passer by's would have been fooled to think we were an item. I pulled every minute of our time together into my mind saving this special moment in my head for eternity. It all seemed so wonderful like how LOVE is supposed to be. As we went to leave I grabbed her face in romantic way and was going in for a kiss, when I noticed fear in her eyes. She began to pull away and I let her.

So we made plans to do something today, to take advantage of the exceptional weather. Right from the beginnings I could tell something was a miss. I don't know what, but it was almost like starting from scratch. As if the night before meant nothing or didn't exist. Like she let her guard down but now the wall was up again. Where, when, why? I mean I don't think I said or did anything different then usual. I am completely dumbfounded! Perhaps I should just except the fact.......no fuck that! I just wish I had some incite into what is going on in her head.Its like she keeps trying to break up with me even though were not going out yet.

Someone left a comment about how I should delete my post about Becky in case she finds this page. I welcome her to find this blogspot, if she hasn't already. Here is everything I have felt for her from our humble beginnings to now. It is honest and I don't believe I have said anything negative about her. Only my grumblings with my own short fallings and inability to swoon her. Which probably makes me sound like a desperate looser. So whats the next move? Well to continue on. The way she makes me feel is amazing and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Seven Eleven Seventy Seven!

I love the way that rolls of the tongue and it makes it a so easy to remember my brother Jon's Birthday. So heres to you big bro and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Zen And The Art of Driving Stick

Now Becky fancied she would learn to drive manual. So who better to ask than the guy that's head over heals for you, and also happens to drive a manual car! Surprisingly I had very little intrepidation about her learning to drive stick in my car. I guess my judgment is blinded by her, but I had a feeling she would do just fine.

We started out in a small parking lot where I explained the fundamentals of how to drive stick. What does what, how to shift yada, yada, yada. After a few engine stalls, jerky starts and chirping tires she seemed to get the hang of first gear. First gear is the toughest of all the gears, I couldn't stress this enough. She was being entirely to hard on herself, but was doing far better then me when I first learned to drive stick. Now granted I learned on a difficult clutch in my Celica, but she caught on very quickly. So quickly I was impressed. Its funny, because it took me back to when I first learned stick, and how I was terrified to go out on the streets. It took me a year of driving before I was truly confident in my skills. It took her a mere couple of hours before she had confidence over her shifting prowest.

We tooled about the night taking the back roads of the sticks. It's funny how the suburbs just end and the country takes over very abruptly. It was a phenomenal evening for a drive and I was truly ecstatic to be sharing it with Becky!

The good times wouldn't end with our drive. After we returned to her parents house, we decided it best to continue enjoying the beautiful night by taking a stroll around the neighborhood. We descended on a park were we talked and joked and shared many a laughs about our childhoods. It was like that scene in Throw Mama From The Train. There in the park was a miniature train where we sat in the engine and couldn't help but get lost in Beckys eyes. Man, am I starting to sound like a sap. Its so funny because just when I get incredible comfortable around Becky, I become aw struck from time-to-time and can't function. I get incredibly nervous and I freeze. I should have taken full advantage of this time to steal a kiss, yet I was petrified, mystified and bedazzled by her gaze. I turn into a puddle of goo and can't do a thing. Yes I do believe this is LOVE.

Man, am I fucked!

Meet The Parents!

Not the movie, but Becky's parents. I was invited to dinner last night at their beautiful home in Geneva. Now I have already met Becky's parents before. I worked with her mom at LoneStar for the past 5 years. Her dad I met once in passing, about three years ago.

Besides her parents, her aunt, cousin, and brother were there. I was a bit intimidated by them at first, but that didn't last long. There was something very odd, yet very familiar bout them all. I felt like I had known them all before we met. Now I know I had met her dad briefly before, but the whole situation just seemed........Very familiar. I don't know how to put it, It was an odd sense that swept over me, and I can't place it, but I was very comfortable with my surroundings, and it felt like I had known them all, all along. It was funny because at dinner they all had discussion about a there grandma that reflected something my brothers and I would say. It was like being with my family, only hers was better at being a family.

Although one conversation came up at the dinner table I didn't care much for. Becky's cousin is to be married to a guy who's relationship with her was almost broken up over Counter Strike! Ha, ha! I couldn't help but laugh to myself at this. I mean I have never herd of such a thing. Now not knowing the guy I don't know what kind of guy he is, but if hes the addicted to CS type I can generalize about him. I just thought it was very funny and Becky thought so to knowing my own addiction to the CS world. Although her cousin's said her fiance plays for 12 hour stints, which I have never done. She then went on to talk about how now he's hooked on Battlefield, which I had to correct her on by saying "no, hes playing BF2." I wish he was there I would have loved to been able to ask him what servers he plays on and what kind of rig hes got. I have yet to meet another computer gamer of my caliber, but then again I don't know if I want to. Even tho, I don't know why he would rather be playing a videogame then getting sex from his woman. Ever since I met Becky, I barely play anymore because I'm busy having way more fun with her. I'm not even getting any from her, go figure.

the conversation then turned to World of Warcraft. I decided it best to not chime in on this, I want to correct them and tell them all about how its an MMORPG, but I'll leave the computer game nerd stuff for a later time. Because at this point they started talking about how video games were bad and addictive.

After Diner and everyone had left it was just me and her mom and dad. I was very surprised to learn of certain similarities between her dad and I. Maybe they were superficial, but still. Chicks either go for dudes that remind them of their dads or the complete opposite. So this could be a good thing or a bad thing. Either way he is a really nice dad, and didn't intimidate me at all, even thou he knows I'm trying to bone his daughter.

A Year Later And A Dollar Short

Almost hard to believe at least for me. I mean, I never thought I would have made it this long. Yep thats right I've been sober for a year. Its funny because I remember a year ago to remind myself to remember the precise date I quit drinking. Now a year later all I can recall was it was sometime around the 4th of July. I remember this because we all went over to celebrate at James's new house in the middle of no where, also know as Carie Illinois!

It's kind of funny because no one thought I could do it. Everyone at James' house was poo pooing the idea. They were like "what, Francis you quit drinking? Yeah right have a beer! Your not quitting for good right?" Well I would hear those remarks for the next couple of months until they all caught on that I was serious about not drinking.

So how has not drinking for a year effected my life? Well, I was supposed to get my life in order and figure out what I was going to do with it. Well I kind of accomplished thoes goals and then again not really. First I was supposed to find a new job, but that's still a work in progress. I was supposed to move out, and that hasn't happened. The main accomplishment was piece of mind. I am mentally a LOT healthier. And by A lot I mean a ton fucken healthier. Although some of you reading this might beg to differ. My ever present diarrhea has taken a side line and I've been sailing on the solid stool ship for quit some time now! I feal better in general and there has been a definite change in my attitude. Don't get me wrong, I still get depressed, but instead of drinking till I can't walk, talk, or think, I deal with my problems. No more cutting ones self! My mother even thinks that I have been a much better person and a lot less moody and easier to get a long with.

unfortunately I have traded one addiction for another and that seems to be my online gaming. Instead of staying up all night drinking, I play Counter Strike or Battlefield 2. Well not as destructive as drinking, it's not exactly making my life better. But still, I make strides for self improvement. I still haven't gotten used to this insomnia thing. Knocking down Unisom day after day isn't healthy on my kidneys. I looked into extended use of the product.

Well it hasn't been easy staying sober. If you read back through this blog, which thank god I found this little gem for my thoughts, you would know it hasn't been an easy trip. Most people don't understand what I go through on an almost daily basis. You know it shouldn't be a struggle to not drink. Like they say in AA, "one day at a time." That is the only way to deal with the affliction. I make a choice every day not to drink. Not to drink, not to drink, not to drink! as you read that it probably had no effect on you, but to me, its now my way of life. I hold strong and steadfast, because I know I can't go back to that. Not even one beer. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, and I can't be, I can't go back to that. At least not now. Maybe when I retire like Frank and completely give up on life even when its not even close to being over, I will waste my funds and precise time on drinking at the local shit hole! But thats a long time from now and I will deal with it when I get there.

But heres to a year of sobriety as I hold a nice tall cold Coca-Cola in the air, I say "Nostrovia" or "Cheers" fun and confidence don't have to be found in a can!