Deer In The Headlights

Akin to when I look Becky in the eyes.

On my way home from work tonight I nearly rear ended a guy dodging a wounded dear in the road. It had been struck by a Domino's Pizza driver! I decided to pull up and turn on my warning flashers as to add some protection to the wounded creature. Its amazing how reluctant most people are to stop and offer help. The Pizza driver approached my car and said thank you for stopping, that every one else had just been dodging it at 45 mph. Here I am not only protecting the deer, but idiot drivers speeding past, that might have struck it causing further accidents. I know most of those driving past were probably like why is this idiot in the left lane and not pulled off to the right, then they slowed down to pass and were like oh that's why, threes a wounded deer in the road!

The poor deer, it was in bad shape, it was laying there all messed up and contorted but still alive. It almost looked like it was coughing up its guts. I felt terrible for the poor thing, and the guy who struck it. The Pizza dudes car was all messed up and leaking fluids all over the road. It was about this time I began to wonder what the hell was up with the response time of the police. I don't know if it was me or if the cops were slow to respond. When I arrived on the scene the the pizza dude was already on the phone with the cops, but now it seemed like 10 minutes had passed. Maybe its because of the imminent anticipation that I was wonder where in the hell they were.

finely a police cruiser approached and pulled into the medium. The officer got out of his car and told the pizza driver to move his car off to the side of the road. He then approach my vehicle and asked me if I could stay on the scene. When I replied yes, he told me to back my car up 15 Ft, that he was going to have to shoot the deer! My god it was horrible, I am such a pussy! This brought back memory's of when my old dog Bitsy caught and killed a rabbit in front of my eyes when I was 8.

Oh the horror! The cop shot deer once, and it cocked back then he shot it again and then quickly again. I thought it was over, then he squeezed off another round and the deer sputtered and squirmed, this prompted the officer to shoot it again. The deer was still moving so he shot it again and again. All I could think was Oh my god the deer, oh my god how many times is he going to shoot this thing. Just when I thought it was all over and I guess for safe measure he shot it again! A total of seven bullets were put into this poor deer. I guess you could chalk it up to culling the herd. Still I couldn't believe that I just saw a deer get executed in front of my very eyes!

Dreams Come True But Not For You Francis

After a rabid photo session from the hot Polish photographer, we were off to the reception. We all climbed into the super stretched Hummer and it was very cramped. So crammed that I was smashed all the way to the end, with damn balloons in my face! I was starting to get very unhappy at this point and was feeling increasingly isolated. Here I am with everyone from the wedding party, the ushers, groomsmen, bridesmaids, the three, yes three flower girls, the father of the bride and the Bride and Groom, and I was feeling isolated and alone. Then these god forsaken balloons were stuck in my face. Everyone was having a good time and as not to disrupt the mood I had to wear my fake smile. Ah my famous fake smile, it fakes out all except for Alok. I had been wearing it since the morning and I was growing agitated and tired of wearing it. Wearing a fake smile is worse then wearing a pair of tight pants made of sandpaper on a humid day. If you can't tell, that's very uncomfortable.

My head was starting to swim with self loathing. I hate when I do this because I always know I am self loathing and its like "dude what's your deal?" Well that's what I say to myself, and surprisingly it always gets an answer that never helps the situation. Stupid brain. So I got a headache, and thought this was mostly do to, not because I forgot to eat in the morning, but because I hadn't had a cup coffee in the morning. I thought I was experiencing caffeine withdrawal. In search of coffee I went. In hind sight it probably wasn't a good idea to slam two large cups of coffee, because this probably furthered my agitation of the situation.

I was in a real slump, when I got the call from Becky. She was on her way, but had gotten lost and seemed annoyed that I hadn't fixed the directions to where she was coming from. Ah ha, this wasn't my fault because I sent her the directions to the church and the reverse directions would have been coming south bound on 53 not northbound where she was coming forming. I was under the impression that she was going to make it to the church ceremony so it wasn't my fault, but given my mood and hers, she had just driven five hours from Wisconsin, we weren't complimenting each other. So she made a wrong turn. I was being a dick! You see, I had been building myself up not to like her anymore while she was gone.

Then the oddest thing happened when she showed up. My build up not to like her was all for nothing. Her very presence had brought the biggest shit eating grin to my face. This was no fake smile, it was the real McCoy! Euphoria had swept over my being, just by her presence. It was an almost instantaneous switch from grumpy depressed Francis to Lets get this party started Francis. Like I said this girl is like no other I have ever had the honor of knowing and I never use "honor of knowing" and "girl" in the same sentence! I felt good and was sent into a giddy schoolgirl state! She would change my hole perspective on the night.

Now rejuvenate by the happy pill that was Becky, I was a man of new found confidence. The reception would turn into a great time. I hardly noticed thoughs around me in there drunken belligerence. I was all consumed by Beckys presence hardly leaving her side. Now I never dance, even in my drunken heyday I would avoid the dance floor like it was covered in the Blubonic plague! I mean dancing is just so awkward and I'm one of those guys that sits and makes fun of the meager attempts of my fellow man to cut a rug from the side lines. Not every one is Fred Astaire, but something about Becky made me overcome my anxiety of the dance floor and pretend I was. I was very awkward at first, but I loosened up and began to swing Becky to and fro. Now, I don't think I looked good by any means I probably looked like a monkey flailing my arms about, but damn it, I was having one hell of a good time looking like a jack ass. Apparently women don't care if you can dance they just care that you make an attempt to dance with them. My dancing shenanigans began to atract several other girls to my side.

It was about this time that the bride, Agata, came over to me and said some interesting words. She said "Francis what are you doing dancing with Becky? If nothing is going to happen between you to don't waste an opportunity meet someone else here!" She was referring to her cousin who she claimed was eyeballing me. At this point though, me and Becky were having what I perceived to be a magical time and I thought that I had finely won her over! I thought the deal was sealed, the cat was in the bag, she was mine. How dare Agata say such blasphemous words. I didn't need to meet anyone I had someone right here. Not just anyone, the greatest woman I had ever met! It was an amazing evening that would be contained only to the reception.

After the reception we were invited to a little bit of an afterparty at James's hotel room. Well it was no party it was just James and his girlfriend and they didn't even have any beer. I mean who invites you back to there hotel room to party if they have no ubiquitous party supply's? This is where Becky's mood began to shift and perhaps it was do to my unsmoothe pushing of the taboo subject that is us. No I wasn't try to have sex with her, although I probably should have pushed more for that, at least I may have had a chance for that, then again this is me we are talking about so, make your own conclusions. It was probably the wrong setting and the wrong time for talking about such matters of the heart. I told Becky in the presence of Alok that I thought I was falling in love with her. Yes, I know, very stupid, but the night had been so cinematic. It was if it was all falling into place for me. My judgment was clouded and I might has well of been drunk for those remarks. Her reply was something of a heartbreak and not taken well. She mearly replied with a "HA, yeah right!" Then she went into a short jaunt about how she couldn't be with anyone. I was crushed yet again. It was just like that Simpsons where Bart gets his heart pulled out of his chest by the neighbor/baby sitter he has a crush on in his treehouse.

Now it was time for the awkward drive home together. Very few words were exchanged and I had nothing to say. All I could do was sit and ponder the night, all wile pretending everything was all right. Becky had little to say as well. I was a beaten man there was nothing more for me to do or say. My time with her had come and gone, if it had ever existed at all? Our good byes that night were very short and I hardly got a hug. I was stunned as everything I thought I had built up and worked for through out the night was gone with the closing of her car door. I had returned to the same self pity I started my day with. All the pleasures of the night had faded in my mind as anger crept forward. I was now mad. I just wanted to call her up and scream at her. Instead all of my frustration ended up in sigh and a text message wishing her a safe drive home.

Congratulations Doug and Agata

Today was Doug and Agata's wedding. The day didn't start off well for me. I fucked up on setting my alarm clock for 11PM instead of 11AM! I was up all night playing BF2 so I didn't pass out till 5:30AM! Needless to say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My mother came in room around 12:30PM to tell me my buddy Alok was on the phone. He was calling to make sure I was Awake. The reason I had intended on getting up at 11, was so I could drop off my car at the reception area and pick up a card to put Dougs wedding gift in. I needed to be at Dougs mom's house by 1PM so I was in "holy shit I got to get dressed double time mode!" I was mad at myself for waking up late and started to blame everyone else for my own fuck up. It wasn't just that, in the past couple of days I have been having real resentment about even being in this wedding. I swear, this is the last one I am ever standing up in and baring one of my brothers getting married any time soon, attending!

Being in a rush sent me into anxiety mode, that coupled with all the fucken people I don't know being there and a certain girl who I can't get out of my fucken head! Becky had gone to some weird country fest in Wisconsin for the week. She said she was going to make it back in time for the whole shibang, but her return from her trip took longer then expected. So she would be AWAL from the ceremony. No biggiy but I was in a strange mood and had taken one of brothers anti-anxio pills, which being a mild sedative subdued me for the time being. Doug's mom thought I was high.

The cruise over to the chapel was in style. We rode in a stretched Hummer! Very nice, Unfortunately for me it only came stocked with Miller Light, which my cohorts quickly consumed. It has been very strange being the only sober person involved in a wedding. Last night at the rehearsal dinner Doug gave all the groomsmen Flask's with our names engraved on them. They even came filled with liquor, all except for mine which came with Coke in it. I't was really nice of Doug to be respectful of my choice. Back in the Hummer though the boys were all having a good time toasting to Doug. Theres this huge part of me that wants to be able to join in again and have a good time, but I know I can't and I'm not going to lie to myself and say "I can control my drinking," 6 years of drinking has taught me otherwise. Thankfully I was mildly subdued but still in a funk, so this situation was adding to it. To the point where I just wanted to go home.

We arrived at the Church a bit early and just hung around for a wile. For some odd reason when I think I'm not going to be able to pee, I got to go pee every five minutes. Usually this is one of my pre-sex nervous habits. But I was as calm and as cool as a cucumber. Doug was particularly nervous pacing sweating the hole shibang. I thought the three beers he consumed in the limo on the ride over would have settled his nerves.

We, the groomsmen, were all ushered to the back of the church in some waiting area where the priest gets dressed. For some odd reason this room smelled like the inside of an abandoned RV camper, don't ask how I know that smell. Finely it was time to get this show on the road and after a brief prayer with the padre, (I call him a padre because he was a Mexican priest) we went to our positions. Now this was a bit confusing because at the wedding rehearsal the guy who went over everything with us.......For lack of a better word, just plain sucked. He was a 70 something old man low talker. He couldn't keep things strait. He was all, do this, no wait I mean you guys come over here.....No you stay there I want you to........You should have all come over here after, well I meant to have you. Needless to say the guy was all over the place. So I just sat there and cracked dirty jokes to James in the house of God, no offense meant but I think God likes a good joke, he did after all create us.

So mass confusion ensued or so it appeared to me, but I could really care less. I have never been to a wedding where things went smoothly, except for my cousins the rands. All their weddings went off with out a hitch, but were talking my unlce Vall here. I think the biggest confusion came from the fact that instead of having an organ play everyone in, Doug had a traditional Irish bag piper play! This guy had the hole get up from the kilt socks and bag that hangs in front of your swanson ( code word for penis). The bag pipes were a very pleasant surprise, its not every day, or for that matter wedding that you get to experience bag pipe music.

The ceremony was then a traditional catholic wedding/mass. I hate mass, its so long and boring. I must say though, the padre did an outstanding job. He had a great sermon that related well to not only Doug and Agitas union, but to life itself. He even made me feel like I should start going to church again. Its funny how much you forget when you haven't been to mass in years. Judging from the lack of enthusiasm from those in attendance, I would say most hadn't been to church in quit some time. I opted out of comunion, my mother says you shouldn't take it unless you are serious about the hole body of Christ thing. Instead I bowed my head and it was blessed, so God, do your thing. After all the yadda yadda yadda, "I do's" "bless this bless that" Doug became man and wife!

After mass I was surprised by another new twist on the wedding thing. Doug and Agata released doves from the front of the church. It was really neet and I had never seen this done before. Now it was time for the barage of photos.

Back To Formula

I was hoping I wouldn't have to write this post, but it seems it was the inevitable. As it would turn out and it will always be, my bother Jon will never be wrong. As often as he is right about certain things I would like to believe he will always be wrong. I hate to listen to reason. So what was he right about

At a late breakfast at Denny's, 4pm to be exact, Jon pointed out inherent flaws in my pursuit of Becky (I promise this will be the last post I talk about Becky). As it is, I was unconsciously using my pursuit of her to distract me from myself and my problems. I lost site of my goals. Everything I wanted to do some how got lost in the mix up of emotions I was having. I got so caught up in in Becky I forgot/lost interest in what it was that I wanted to do. Perhaps these were just ambitious ideas of grandeur, but still I was optimistic that I might someday accomplish these ideas. Then again?

Well Becky made it clear that she couldn't/wouldn't be with me and that she "had found a great friend in me." Now I am tired of girls telling me this and as we all know, this is the death blow. After a series of unfortunate events that touched her life she was thrust into quite the conundrum in her relationship with her X and me. There is nothing I could say to this. Disappointment is something I will never get used too, even though I feel its sting quite often. I guess I was overly hopeful that sparks would fly. For a second there I thought I was falling in love with this girl. Just the hopeless romantic in me, I got to quit basing my life on movies.

So now its time for me to get back to where I wanted to go......Where ever the fuck that was? I guess its time to focus back in on my self and what I need to be doing to get out of this house. This is indeed a real disappointment for me. Like I said, I have never felt the type of admiration or respect for a girl before, like I do with Becky. I, the king of pointing out flaws and imperfections, couldn't find one on her. Stupid brain with its chemicals and what not controlling emotions.

Yet Another Ticket

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I am having one hell of a week! Today when I went outside to get into my car, I found an obnoxious piece of yellow paper sticking out of my door. It was a citation for expired registration........well I'm not quite sure its that even since I cant read the chicken scratch on the ticket! The Damn ticket is for $30!!!!!! The thing is, I just renewed my license plate registration, I just forgot to affix the sticker to my plate. It was one of those I'll get around to putting that on later type things! Grrrr I'm so damn mad. I do plan on writing a letter on this before I pay it! Now begs the question as to what foul event lies in wait for me next? Bad things always happen in threes.

I Can't Catch A Break

With the lady's, life and the Cops. I went to St Charles with Alok to meet up with Becky. I don't know what those two got going on but she requested his presence. Anyways it was an uneventful evening. We walked along the Fox river in yet another glorious night, making our way to a bar called the Filling Station. Nothing much to speak of there either, except that the door man asked to see another form of ID. I wasn't in the greatest of spirits my frustrations with Becky is being compounded by my inadequacies in life, made my head hurt. I feel lost and depressed. I hate when I get depressed, because it makes me feel like drinking and smoking. And I know the last thing I want to do is go back to is that. Thank god for this blog, I really feel a lot better when I start to write things down. I digress

Anyways I wasn't the best of company but I managed to snap out of funk for a few minutes. On the way back to our cars Becky commented on beauty of the evening, where I was able to slip in my line I had worked out from yesterday. "That the beauty of the night was dwarfed by her presence!" I think this scored big points, and my clever comment even made her blush. Unfortunately any points scored there were lost in over time.

As we made our way to our cars, Alok decided he would step aside to "let us make out." There would be no make out. Hell, there wasn't even a hug good bye until Alok said "what? Becky, no hug?"

On the way home I was on a rant about Becky and something else when I got pulled over. Thank God I don't drink anymore, or I would have been in DUI country. The thing is, on this one stretch of road just outside downtown St Charles on north Ave, the speed limit is poorly placed and its 35mph as opposed for the rest of the road which is 45mps. I was doing 46 so I thought I was doing the limit. The officer asked me if I knew how fast I was going and I said I was doing 45, the speed limit. He said no the limit is 35 and he promptly asked where I was coming from. So with no reason to lie I told him the Filling Station. The odd part was the cop didn't even ask me if I had been drinking he just said I was going to get a ticket! Why do I keep getting tickets from all the asshole cops in the world. I figured he was giving me the ticket because I wasn't a DUI case and he felt stupid that he had to let me go, I always say that. I did nothing wrong, besides the obvious speeding, but it was a misunderstanding. This promptly sent me into another rant about the dipshit cop and how I should right a letter! Just my frustration with life resurfacing in another form.

Ice Cream With Becky

I asked Becky out for some Ice cream the other day. I felt like Baskin Robins, but Becky was in the mood for some Oberweis http://http://www.oberweisdairy.com/web/default.asp. I can't say I've ever been to the Oberweis store, but we used to have their milk delivered to us when I was a kid. I can't recall if I've ever had their ice cream before? Becky got a double scoop brownie blast, and I got a scoop of the generic coffee ice cream. We decided it best to take advantage of the awesome night and eat outside. Now Oberweis ice cream melts like a candle next to a blow torch. I mean this cone just disintegrated in the evening air, leaving a nice sticky residue on my hand and shoes. Becky tackled her brownie Sunday like it was going out of style. When I asked to try some, she only gave me a dainty taste.

After the disaster that was me trying to eat ice cream, we went for a stroll by the fountain in Carol Stream. The beauty of the warm summer evening beside the fountain, was dwarfed by Becky's presence. I'm working on my romance lines. We strolled about until coming to a resting spot under a gazebo. This was where Becky decided that she would let me know what's up with us. Now I listened to what she said and to be honest I am even more confused as to what we are now. She told me how she's absolutely crazy about me, but that she couldn't be with me.......? Something to do with she told her self that she wouldn't get serious with someone since her X left her. I started to not listen when she got to this part.

Now I thought when two people were crazy about each other that they naturally get together? It seems for every step forward I make with Becky, she takes two steps backs as if to try to protect herself from her feelings. I am completely perplexed but at the same time I understand because it sounds like one of my old behaviors. I am at the point, where I'm so frustrated that I feel like pulling up the stakes and moving the circus that is my life. At the same time she makes want to try that much harder at wining her over? Alok describes this odd behavior as LOVE! Dun dun dunnnn. Could it be.......could I be.....na.......I meen..........? I don't think so but my irrational behavior and loss of control over my motor skills when around her would lend itself to love or some autonomic disease.

Happy Birthday Andrew!

Ah, today was my little bros 23rd earth cycle. I feel a bit bad that I missed his celebration down at John Barleycorn. I was all set for going till Alok and Becky both backed out on me. Becky had to be at work at 7pm on Saturday and Alok had to help our other buddy James move. So that was a real damper to me. Then I got to thinking, which made me depressed, so I didn't feel like going at all anymore. Oh well, but I feel bad regardless. I said I was going to go and then I didn't. The way I figured it my brother would be busy talking to his friends and I would just end up standing around feeling uncomfortable around all the drunks. Lately, I have been having increaseing difficulty hanging out at bars. The whole not being able to drink compounded by my not smoking is starting to drive me nuts. It should be a non issue, but not drinking is a constant task.

Anyways, happy birthday little bro! Sorry I didn't make it. By the time you read this you will be back in Florida, but I still hope you had a good one.

What Do I Want

A good question to ask ones self when not sure of what it is that one wants. It all stems from Becky, I don't know what the hell I want with her or from her. Sex is the obvious answer, but its more then that. At least I think it is. I seem to be developing feelings, feelings of an almost human nature......This will not do! So here in lies the problem, I tend to be one of those fools that rush into.....not love but its hard to describe I guess I treat my relationships more serious than I should. I am putting way to much thought into all of this and that's why I'm driving myself bonkers. Its like I like chicks to like me, and then when they do I usually loose interest even before anything happens. So do I want a serious relationship? Or is now about the time to abandon ship before feelings get hurt. I know shes not looking for a serious relationship, but thats just what chicks say, well when they don't really like a guy. This just keeps getting more complicated when you throw in her douche X! Well maybe not, but I make it seem like he plays a role. Anyway, what the hell am I doing? I don't know but I think I give up. I don't think I'm ready........For what? I'm just so damn confused. About what? I don't know? Just my head going in circles and that my loyal readers is why I am neurotic!

Should Have Kissed Her!

Things with me and Becky seem to be picking up a bit. I mean, who can resist my charm? Becky has been talking with my friend Alok a lot. After his brothers passing he has taken up a new attitude with wanting to hang out all the time. This is quite different from his old hermit self even before his brothers passing.

Becky has met the whole gang and she's passed their test with flying colors. Alok likes her a lot, almost to the point where you think he has a thing for her. Anyways since Alok's been on the scene he's been inviting Becky to do things with us. He has taken up this new challenge of playing Cupid. Its a huge departure from his usual self. Becky and him have been exchanging text messages regarding yours truly. I have no idea what about, because they've been vaulted, but Alok assures me its all good.

I am a complete buffoon when it comes to actually making a move on a girl. It's not like the movies, which have taught me everything about getting a girl. Let me just say movies are not very good teachers. I have no idea when the right time is or even what to do. I prefer the chick go for it, that way I can just go with the flow. At least that's how it went with the last two lad's I was with.

Tonight I went to Fridays with Alok, The Duke, and Becky. We all hug out and had a good time. Alok seemed to be feeding Becky.... God knows what about me. He seems to think hes helping me, but if only he knew that I don't need any help because I'm so good at blowing a great opportunity on my own. After Fridays I walked Becky to her car, where by she offered me a ride to my car across the parking lot. Cool I was in, now what? See I don't know how to handle myself around chicks, and I'm so dense I can't tell when a girl is hitting on me or wants me to make a move. Then if I think I got a chance to, I get nervous. So nervous I feel like puking! And that's happened before. So I go into fight or flight mode and being the coward I am, I flee.

Well I had the perfect opportunity to make my move, and Becky even told me she relay liked me. but alas just like my inability to apply for a job, I couldn't do it. I don't know...... In retrospect, I'm an idiot, but that's nothing new. I don't think its over for me and her, I think I might have another chance. She told me that I should visit her at work tomorrow. I made a joke that it would be like the end of that movie where that dude walks into that factory grabs his chick, kiss's her, and takes her away, all while the coworkers clap. The Simpsons did a spoof on it. See thats me and the movies, any ways she thought it was funny.