Battle stations

Well here's the good news, I got the internship at Smith Barney! Yes I know I keep hearing how darn impressive that is and what it could mean for my future, bla bla bla yada yada yada. Perhaps I am underscoring the importance of this meaningful internship. I don't know maybe it is more important than I think it is, because I have no idea what the normal person has to do to get one of these things considering how this whole thing was orchestrated by my brothers friend. So is it hard to get in with this company? or is it relative to who you know?

Today this huge packet arrived in the mail from them with a ton of paper work to be filled out. When I say a ton I mean a ton! some 40 pages to be signed, read, initialed, dated, faxed, and what not. Who knew being an intern meant I had to fill out a bunch of employment papers. I thought it was all easy and just show up kind of crap. Too bad they don't offer me insurance. Looks like I got a long night ahead of myself.

Speaking of insurance, another huge packet of information came from Department of Human Resources. Now your probably wondering why I am getting stuff from DHS? Well its long and complicated but its so I can get my crazy pills for free. YAY! Free health care and free meds. When I went and got one of my prescriptions filled for a 60 pills, I asked how much they would cost without my voucher, and I was surprised to learn it would be $260! Just for 60 pills that I need to take for the rest of my life! And that's only one of 4 of my prescriptions! I look forward to worrying about how I am going to get those in the years to come, but then again the meds help not to worry so much about things like that.

As long as I'm on the topic of medication, I want to cover something that really irritates me as of late. People keep telling me that "oh your on medication I would never do that, you can fix it yourself you must be week." Or I hear a lot of "oh I would never take medication, it makes you all numb so you cant feel any emotions." You know what I feel when I hear that one, like punching that person in the face. Now does that sound like a person who can't feel any emotions? First I am not week I have proven that to myself time and time again, and if anything have the courage to go on medication proves my willingness to overcome anything that stands in my way of obtaining happiness. I have a very strong will indeed. It is the unfortunate truth that the emotions I feel are far beyond my control regardless of my strength to combat them. I have a genetic predisposition to this, not my fault, and if anything I am capable of feeling even a wider range of happiness and enjoyment because my mood is very stable now and more positive. My medication also grants me the ability to once again go out into the world and not feel like someone is going to punch me in the back of the head, or from having an all out panic attach! Another thing, if the medication you take "makes you feel all numb" then its probably the wrong stuff for you, and you probably shouldn't be taking it. If you want to feel "all numb," you might as well start doing heroin and drinking full time.

The Intern

I was given an opportunity to go for an interview regarding a possible internship working for a little company called Smith Barney. This whole thing was set up by one of my brothers friends whos a big wig down at their office in Chicago. He said he would see what he could do about getting me an internship a few months back and then I herd nothing. Dealing with the stress of several other issues at the time, which I have been meaning to get to but can't seem to bring myself to write about lately, anyways, I had all but forgotten about it, and at the same time didn't want it to happen.

Low and behold a few months go bye and things seem to be perking up with me. I was able to get my mind on track and in general I am feeling pretty stable (thanks Lamictal). So my brothers friend finally touched base with me again about the internship I inquired about and was able to set up an interview with a lady at their branch office in Barrington. A bit of a hike from my current location, and I was a little discouraged to learn that its a non-paid internship. But Hell! This is Smith Barney we're talking about largest single financial institution in the world, with assets in the trillions and 7.1 million clients. So I made the choice even if its not paid, it couldn't hurt to have an experience like this on my resume' considering all I have on it now is food service crap.

So the interview its self was interesting experience. I had been prepping myself for such an occasion over the past few months. I went out and spent 800 bucks on two suits, depending on who you are that sounds like a lot or it sounds like I bought two cheap suits. Then I went out and spent another 300 bucks on a timepiece, that's right, its not a watch, its a timepiece. Hey how could I not splurg? Besides both were on sale, I was feeling frisky at the time and hell I deserve to have nice shit! Plus if I'm going to act the part of confidant business man than I need the proper attire to reinforce that mentality, well at least thats how it works in theory. And its not like these items are going to go to waist, only if I don't gain any weight, but still you never know when you might need a nice suit for a special occasion.

Now back to the interview, it was sort of odd. First and foremost my apprehension about entering the place was way lower than I had expected. Usually I would be freaking out in a situation like this but I felt very calm (thanks Seriquel). It was odd because the sensation didn't even cross my mind, no self preparation or debating in my car, I just walked right in. I got their about 20 minutes early, like I was coached to do, and told the receptionist I had an appointment. She called some people and they didn't know who I was supposed to be talking to, so she told me to take a seat. The funny thing wile I was sitting there I got to see the hustle and bustle of a....I think their a brokerage firm? Anyways the high paced dog eat dog business world was around me. Guys walking fast, phones constantly ringing and people yelling. Then one of the brokers approached the receptionist and started asking her about financial question that he didn't know. Yeah I thought that was a bit odd, but she had the answers for him.

After only a few minutes of waiting I was approached by the branch manager and she greeted me with a fast paced hello. She then escorted me back to her office and this is when I got a little week in the knees. I was trying to keep track of all the little things, like the whole "stand until she tells you, you can take a seat" thing. She first said that it wasn't her job to be interviewing me, that it was her assistants job who was currently out. Then she asked me for my resume' which my luck I didn't have because the other lady who set this whole thing up told me she had it and I didn't need to bring another copy. So thats what I told her. And to speak of the devil, it was right about that time her assistant called her on the phone to which she replied with "Yeah I can't talk right now because I'm in a meeting with the guy your supposed to be interviewing right now!" she then hung up the phone with a little bit of force. The whole time we were talking her phone kept ringing off the hook. Well she is the branch manager after all. I was so concerned about my posture and eye contact I may have been a bit to intimidating? Maybe thats not the word I was looking for, but I know and everyone who knows me knows, I can do this creepy hundred yard stare. But thats my stare for when I am intense about something. The point is I probably gave some really half ass answers. The main point she kept focusing on was "are you a go getter? Because we need people of action, that aren't shy and are willing to call New York and tell them that you need those numbers! And their going to want to hang up on you, so you have to keep them on the phone no matter how nasty they act towards you! So if your not that type of person well then this may not be the internship for you, but I just want to let you know this is a fun place to work!" I was a bit perplexed and intimidated by this, not having ever been in the business environment before. I pondered if I was capable of even being a "SHARK?" Or if my inner shark will present itself given the situation? Well we shall see. And what the hell was all that mumbo jumbo about calling New York? So much for just fileing faxes and data entree.

Over all I think this things a shoe in. After I name dropped my brothers friend the attitude of the conversation seemed to shift a bit in my favor, although the woman seemed a bit irritated I didn't have the proper forms with me, but this is all a new learning experience for me so....just have to keep that in mind for next time. This internship sounds like my next big challenge (if I get it, fingers crossed) I will be forced to deal with some deep routed phobias and issues, like using the phone to call people I don't know. But I think I have equipped myself with the proper tools to handle these situations better, thanks in part to a lot of the free mental health care I have been receiving here at school. I look forward to this with a bit or fear, but know that when I set my mind to it I can succeed, that past year has been a lesson in this.